Sherwood and I celebrated our twelfth wedding anniversary the other day. We managed to dump `Rain and Ash off at our friends and snuck away for a quiet brunch together. After devouring three plates each, we finally signed the papers and agreed to renew our contract. The only change to the original agreement was with regards to my working conditions, (an addendum promises me six mental health days off a year). Sherwood feels that he has a great thing going and has no qualms about keeping his side of the deal as is.
I often wonder how other couples mark the blessed day of their nuptials. In the past, traditional anniversary gifts were rather simple and sentimental. Today, there is a new modern list. I was curious as to why someone would change and rewrite the old, traditional gift ideas. After studying the list the other night, it soon became clear to me . . .
The traditional list states that the first year gift would be paper. The modern states a clock. A CLOCK? What, are they kidding? I crammed my brain to try to remember some of the conflicts of our first year of marriage. Sherwood would often get severely aggravated waiting for me to emerge out of the postage stamp sized bathroom every Sunday morning. He never made it in time for the offering and our tithe was burning a hole in his wallet. (A NEW Commodore 64 was calling his name). Which explains why some genius invented a waterproof am/fm clock radio for the shower. The perfect gift to keep peace in the home and therefore give us a chance to achieve . . .
The second year anniversary. The original gift idea was cotton. The new, modern chart lists china. Why on earth would a couple need new china after only two years of marriage? I called a few of my girlfriends to get their opinions and soon realized that some are inclined to throw things during arguments. Several ladies mentioned that they can no longer set a proper table because their formal ware did not survive being airborne artillery. One wife admitted to hurling a 'Royal Albert ~ Memory Lane' dessert plate at her husband on their first wedding anniversary dinner.
"Why did you pitch a plate at your dear husband?"
"We exchanged gifts after dinner. I was anticipating a romantic keepsake and the clod gave me a waterproof clock..."
Here are a few of the rest of the modern gift ideas and why I think they are what they are:
| THIRD | Crystal or Glass | See year two and use your imagination. |
| FOURTH | Appliances | Four years of burnt toast and dinners (He can only hope). |
| FIFTH | Silverware | Why go get a flathead screwdriver when the wife's butter knives work so well? |
| SIXTH | Wood | After using your wooden spoons two years ago to mix paint, he finally replaces them. |
| SEVENTH | Desk set | To use for communicating through notes during your week long, 'I'm not speaking to you' fight. |
| EIGHTH | Linen or Lace | Realizing that you weren't speaking to him because he did nothing to help around the house for the last seven years, he attempts to do the laundry. He shrank all your cotton table cloths. |
| NINTH | Leather items | He wants to show you that you've 'still got it' and buys you a tight, leather miniskirt - in a size 4P. Use gift from year seven to vent your repugnance. |
| TENTH | Diamond Jewelry | His fifteenth high school reunion is this summer and he needs a visual aid to prove his success (keep the receipt - you know you can't afford it and must return it after the reunion weekend). |
| ELEVENTH | Fashion Jewelry | Feeling bad about returning the diamond tennis bracelet he bought you last year, he buys you a cubic zirconia knock-off. |
And then, we come to my big year, twelve - PEARLS. After all the duplicate copies of our renewal agreement were signed and sealed, I looked with much anticipation at Sherwood. Returning from the buffet table with a heaping plate of seafood, we both grabbed our butter knifes and opened each steamed oyster. Alas, it was not to be. The gift table lists furs or textiles for year thirteen. I best call the SPCA next February and put a Scottish Terrier on layaway.
Copyright 2001 Hope Forest. Visit her site.
