So what are we celebrating? We all know that after kids, romance means putting the toilet seat down, or at least not missing the bowl. 

I have been gathering some information on Valentine's Day -- this year I have decided to go back to it's origins and celebrate February 14, 2000 according to the original traditions of the day. As it turns out, I'm in BIG trouble.

It seems that there is no one origin for the day of romance -- it stems from three different stories, all centuries old. I kinda' like the first one, it's a little whacky and almost certainly illegal now days but it's interesting all the same. <continued below>

Back when Romans still wore toga's and participated in the Olympics naked there was a tradition on February 15th, courtesy of the Goddess of "feverish" love (Juno), which involved names in a hat (well, maybe a bowl or whatever they had back then) and the men drew out names of women for feasting and sexual game playing. Gees, that's a bit much isn't it?

Enter the Christians -- none to happy with this festival as you can imagine, the church-going decided that enough was enough and tried to tone down the celebrations with a plan. Plan A, which I won't get into, failed miserably -- seems the Romans were quite fond of their erotic celebrations and weren't quite ready to give it up -- so on they went to Plan B.

Kill off goddess Juno (you know, the 'feverish' love one) -- the Church of the time selected a fella to do battle against this lovely goddess who was -- you guessed it, Valentinus (I'm not kidding, that's his name).

The problem was that Valentinus was in jail at the time -- Emperor Claudius II had decided that marriage and betrothals were not on and it seems that Valentinus had not taken this to heart and was running around town performing marriage ceremonies.

So, how to elevate Valentinus to saintly status? Whether it's good PR from Emperor Caludius or truth we will never know but legend has it that while in jail, Valeninus cured the jailer's daughter of blindness -- and so, a saint was born and sent into battle.

Sadly, that's where the story ends, no one knows whether he defeated goddess Juno but seeings as we are now spending one or two billion dollars a year on cards with the word Valentine featured prominently on them I am guessing he was the victor -- or else the cards would most likely be "Be my Juno", right?

Now about this time there was another Valentine guy who was also in jail, seems to go with the name. He apparently was busily writing letters of love to a woman who's identity is not know until the time that Emperor Claudius beheaded him for some sin which was highly illegal at the time.

So, if my research is correct it would seem that I have three choices in order to celebrate Valentines Day according to it's origins this year:

1. Find a stranger and engage in promiscuity (Too Hard: first I have to organize a baby sitter, wash bottles, pack toys, blanky, teddy, then I need to invite a bunch of my husband's friends around, make sure there is some amazing sporting event on television so I can sneak out unnoticed, find a good bar and seeings as I haven't been to a bar in a year and a half this will require some research, come up with a really good excuse for my husband as to why I didn't come home that night, pick up my son and look after him all day with a hangover due to the fact that I would surely have to drink a great deal in order to accomplish this task). Way too much effort involved.

2. Get locked up in jail for the night and cure someone of blindness (first part is possible, second -- well, I can kiss scraped knees better, and I drove to the hospital in less than five minutes with a child on my lap who was gushing blood and required stitches, but I think that curing blindness may be a bit of leap).

3. Get locked up in jail and write romantic type limericks on the walls of my cell (first part possible as I indicated above -- second part, well I don't know any romantic limericks, but I am sure that I can come up with a few rude ones and it's a good way to get a night off from being a mother, I think I'll take it!).

Do you get the feeling that Hallmark has been taking us for a ride the last century or so?

Here's to celebrating Valentines Day the traditional way, I'll see you all in the cells and don't forget to bring a pencil!